Conflict With a Coworker You Have to Keep Working With
- What this kind of conflict actually costs
- The mistakes people make
- The three conversations that work
- How to build the muscle
You’ve likely experienced it: a conflict with a coworker that makes your work life challenging. Unlike friends or acquaintances, you can’t simply avoid a colleague you regularly collaborate with. Whether it's the product manager coordinating every release with you or the peer in legal whose approval is essential for contracts, unresolved conflict can poison the well of collaboration. The good news is that it doesn’t have to stay that way. By employing some strategic communication techniques, you can mend the relationship while continuing to work closely together.
What This Kind of Conflict Actually Costs
The hidden costs of unresolved peer conflict are staggering. When you’re at odds, your cognitive energy becomes consumed with avoidance. You might find yourself routing around the person, enlisting others to do work you should be handling directly, or simply slowing down overall decision-making. A study by CPP Inc revealed that the average employee spends 2.8 hours each week managing workplace conflict, with unresolved issues accounting for the majority of that time. This equates to two and a half weeks of full-time work lost each year per employee, simply evaporated due to interpersonal strife.
Moreover, your reputation can suffer even if the conflict isn’t directly your fault. Senior leaders often lack the bandwidth to discern who is right or wrong; they merely observe that your joint work is slower and fraught with tension. This perception can become the narrative around your capabilities, impacting your career trajectory.
The silver lining? Resolving peer conflict rarely requires anyone to admit fault. Instead, it hinges on both parties agreeing on a forward mode of operation. This lower bar makes resolution more attainable.
The Mistakes People Make
Navigating workplace conflict is tricky, and many people stumble into common traps:
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The Freeze-Out: You stop initiating contact and wait for the other person to make the first move. This creates a standoff where both parties blame each other, and work continues to suffer.
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The Third-Party Campaign: Here, you discuss the issue with everyone except the individual involved. Building a coalition may feel validating, but it often leads to deeper conflict as the targeted colleague discovers the gossip.
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The Manager Dump: You escalate the issue to a manager, expecting them to resolve it. While they might intervene, it often creates a mediated relationship that’s worse than the original conflict.
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The Performative Apology: You set up a meeting to discuss the problem but fail to change any behaviors afterwards. This can make things feel even worse, as the same issues resurface shortly after the conversation.
Avoiding these pitfalls is essential for effective conflict resolution.
The Three Conversations That Work
Addressing a peer conflict typically requires three distinct conversations, executed in a specific order:
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The Reset Conversation: This is your initiation. In a five-minute chat—preferably in person—express your desire to clear the air. A simple opener like, “Hey, I think things have gotten a bit awkward between us lately. I’d rather work through it than around it. Can we set up a time to talk?” does the trick. You’re not addressing the specifics yet; you’re just opening the door to communication.
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The Substance Conversation: Allocate about forty-five minutes for this discussion. Both parties should be present. Start by sharing what you’ve noticed and how it has impacted your work. Stick to specifics rather than character judgments. For instance, say, “I’ve noticed that during our design reviews, we often end up talking past each other, which makes the meetings run over.” After laying out your observations, give your colleague space to share their perspective. Listen actively without interrupting—even if you disagree.
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The Operating Mode Conversation: This brief, fifteen-minute chat usually happens the next day. Here, both of you agree on three or four specific behavioral commitments moving forward. For example, you might decide, “When we disagree on a design call, we’ll state our positions in writing before discussing them verbally.” This clarity sets a solid foundation for future interactions.
Remember, you don’t need to agree on what happened or assign blame. You simply need to agree on actionable changes for the future.
How to Build the Muscle
Initiating these conversations can be the hardest part. Most people feel confident once they’re in the conversation, but starting it is the hurdle. To build this muscle, practice initiating smaller conversations that you might typically avoid. This could involve addressing feedback you've received from a peer or thanking a colleague for their help on a project.
By regularly engaging in these smaller interactions, you train yourself for when the real conflict arises. Over time, your threshold for initiating direct communication will lower, making it easier to tackle more significant issues as they come up.
Additionally, cultivating a habit of clean, direct peer interactions can prevent future conflicts. Small misunderstandings often go unaddressed, leading to larger issues down the line. A team that practices open communication can mitigate the potential for conflict before it escalates.
What Good Looks Like
You’ll know your efforts are paying off when the colleague you once dreaded becomes someone you reach out to first for clarification or collaboration. The relationship doesn’t need to be a friendship; it just needs to be functional. You’ll find you can work together on releases, disagree during calls without it spilling over into other meetings, and take time off without worrying about project fallout.
Moreover, as you practice this three-conversation approach, you’ll notice improvements in other workplace relationships as well. The skill builds over time, allowing you to resolve future conflicts in days instead of months.
Conclusion
In summary, handling conflicts with coworkers you must continue working with is not only possible but also manageable. By engaging in the three critical conversations—the reset, the substance, and the operating mode—you can create a more functional work environment without needing anyone to admit fault.
For those looking to improve their conflict resolution skills without overwhelming their schedules, take the Omie Skill Assessment to find tailored lessons that fit your role and goals.